I’m constantly trying to be what I think I’m “supposed” to be. Nice, friendly, fashionable, sexy, quiet. Part of me does want to be these things. I know that people who actually like other people are more attractive.
But that’s the thing. On the whole, I don’t really like people. I’m overly picky about whose company I enjoy. Honestly, most people only have to do one small thing to grate on my nerves. Sometimes it’s a big thing. Sometimes it’s telling me my [highly emotionally grounded] tattoo is stupid. Other times it’s just persistently complaining. Big and small. It doesn’t seem to matter.
Yet part of me wants to be that person who loves being around other people. I would like to have a giant group of friends to call on. I would like to have invitations to go out places all the time. I would like to be called and texted constantly.
Except I’m not good at clearing out my iPhone notifications. I’m not always in the mood to talk on the phone. I’m a homebody. I don’t like people.
And then there’s that one person in my life who just radiates good energy, that everyone loves, that I love to such a degree that I can’t help but constantly think fondly of her. I smile when she enters my mind and when I see a picture of her, I wish she were close by so I could hug her. She’s what I’d like to be. Sweet, funny, warm, but also headstrong and smart. From the second I met her, she’s been this everlasting sunshine in my heart, outrageously corny as that may sound.
Why can’t I be more like her? Was she always like this? Did she have to practice being so wonderful?
Sometimes I think the solution is to own a gorgeous handbag with a set of custom Dungeons and Dragons dice in it, as a balance to my personality. The handbag would be admired by the girls I lunch with. The dice would be for Sunday DnD sessions. I could be what I am and also what I could be.
I want to be more patient with people. I do. But then they open their mouths, and I don’t know how to erase their chatter from my memory. I can’t fix not liking them. I could try. I’m not the most enthusiastic people person now but I could try.
I’m battling what I am versus what I could be. I’m battling the potential society has set out for me—be friendly! Make people love you! Always smile!
I’m positive and optimistic. But I’m not able to always like a person. I can believe in the best in people. But I can’t force them to be good. I can be open minded. But I can’t change a person’s awful way of thinking/speaking/acting.
What’s a girl to do?
